By now the visitors had dwindled to just a few and the time had come for my mother to go home. She had put her life on hold long enough. It was so hard to say goodbye. My mum had been there for me since day three of this journey and I had been able to rely on her every day to feed me lunch, sit and listen to me no matter what I babbled on about, wash my clothes and get me everything I needed - you know those little things you can't live without like shampoo and toothpaste.
I am incredibly grateful to my mum for putting her life on hold like she did - I was very lucky.
Life became even more repetitive - the same thing day in and day out. Days blended into others and at times it was difficult to remember what day of the week it was. I didn't follow the time on a clock I followed the routine of the ward. I knew what time it was by the nurses and doctors routines. I knew when shifts started and finished and some of the doctors were like clockwork with their rounds - just not usually mine. The cleaners were always on time and the pathologists were predictable. There was also the routined delivery of meals with bottles of milk, porridge for breakfast and a repetitive and uninspiring mince meat dish that the poor older babies were served every lunch and dinner. I wonder if the menu has changed after all these years?
Long hours spent on my own day after day was really boring and consequently I watched a lot of TV. I did puzzle books, read magazines and did a lot of people watching. Mind you, people watching was difficult now I was further down the passage. My room was really tidy and I became exact about where everything belonged - there was nothing else to occupy my mind. Cameron was still sleeping all day so I didn't even have my baby to interact with, occupy and enjoy. With Mum gone I did have to get my own lunch but that only occupied about ten minutes every day.
Generally everyone was too busy or too professional for a personal chat. Our therapists were friendly but kept a professional distance. Our doctors cared but were very busy. Some of the cleaners would make a comment or two but generally they were very quiet. Thankfully there were a few nurses who were kind enough to stop and have a chat when they could. Chatting about a favourite TV show or where you grew up really helped to break the boredom and make life a little normal.
I was feeling very isolated and with Mum gone I started to internalize more of my feelings, fears and joys. My sense of doing this all alone grew stronger.